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I found this log the other day when I was going through my Blackberry.  I was keeping tabs of the events on my bus ride to MI for Thanksgiving.

5PM- Baltimore greyhound has the slowest counter ever.  Lady yells at me because I won’t let her cut in line, even though we are on the same bus.  I feel bad for stupid people… Location: Baltimore, MD

11PM- Bus driver pulls over to yell at the dumb lady from earlier for laughing way too loud while people are trying to sleep.  I wonder what it would feel like to be be yelled at by a bus driver as an adult.  I hope this lady gets her head cut off.  Location: Western Maryland

1AM- Arrive for “meal stop”.  There is like six inches of snow on the ground.  Starts to dawn on me that forgetting coat on trip to MI was a bad idea.  Dude behind me peers between seats in attempt to see what I am furiously typing into my Blackberry.  Everyone gets off the bus to smoke except me.  Location: Somerset, PA

1:20AM-Bus now smells like Cheetos and cigarettes.  Awesome.  Next stop Pitt.  Location: Somerset, PA

2:30AM- Six people get on the bus and wander aimlessly for a few moments before realizing this is not their bus.  Only one other bus here so there is a pretty good chance you’ll get back on the right one.  Darwin would be sad.  Location: Pittsburgh, PA

6AM- Bus driver eating cup o’ noodles very loudly, probably not the best meal option for someone trying to drive.  I consider saying something but the fate of being thrown off the bus in the middle of Ohio scares the shit out of me.  I bite my tongue, fuck you Suckhio.  Location: Somewhere in god awful Ohio

7AM-12PM:  I sleep for the rest of the trip.  When I am not sleeping I pretend to be asleep in order to avoid conversation with any of the strange halfbreed retard fucks that get on the bus in Ohio.  Location: Sadly still Ohio

12:30PM- Arrive in Detroit.  Relieved that no passangers were eaten or raped in the face while driving through Suckhio.

Let me start this blog off by giving you a little background information on my buddy Bryan Hodges, or as everyone calls him “Hodges” or “Hot Jizz” or “Hoooodges” and sometimes even “The Flying Dutchman”.  If you’ve ever seen Hodges make love, you’d understand that last one.  That ceiling fan will never be the same.  Physically Hodges is an impressive specimen, 6′9″ (I think) with brown hair, cold steely eyes, and arms so long he can hug himself twice.  His warm and possibly sweetly-retarded personality makes him and instant hit with the ladies.  Hodges’ one of a kind lifestlye is fueled by four square meals a day, consisting of boiling hot red cabage, gross stinky sausages, and red drink.  This diet gives him the power to do the one thing Hodges was put on this earth to do.  TO CATCH FREE STUFF.  Armed with his squirrely personality and organatang-like arms, Hodges is the master of scoring free swag.  Allow me to regale you with a few short stories about Hodges mad snatchery skills.

A while back Hodges and myself along with the rest of our paintball team were playing in the International Amateur Open.  We got the shit kicked out of us, the Ball Hogz went 1-7, and that one win was do to the fact that the other team didn’t show up.  The only thing we hogged at that tournament was balls with our faces.  Anyway, after getting thoroughly crushed we decided to try and raise morale by watching some X-Ball.  The X-Ball stands were packed because Team USA was taking on Russia.  It was hard to find a seat.  During halftime some of the reps from Redz came over and starting flinging hats into the crowd.  Hodges knew it was time to do work, and that’s exactly what he did.  He was snatching up free flying hats left and right, punching babies, and headbutting cancer patients just to get to the free head wear.  After about five minutes of this Hodges had acquired roughly forty hats, and needless to say the crew from Redz was not too happy.  They kindly asked him to stop going for the hats.  They explained that he couldn’t possibly need forty plus hats, but this didn’t phase Hodges in the least.  People sitting around us actually got up and moved, in an attempt to be able to catch a hat.  Hodges was in the zone and our whole section had become a hat snatching black hole………..to be continued……