BigLerm.com

This is a conversation I had recently with my father, concerning the fact that I hadn’t returned his calls.  I should preface by saying that I hate checking my voice mail.  My BlackBerry sends me like 13 messages telling me that I have a voice mail, which does nothing but piss me off to no end.  I understand if you have something important to tell me, then by all means, leave a message.

This however is never the case with my dad.  He leaves me the exact same message every time, “Hi Lerm, its your dad.  Its Monday about 530, just calling to say hi.”  These are all facts I can gather simply by looking at my missed call log.  This is something that I have shared with him several times, I think now he just does it to piss me off.  Anyway here is the recap of the ridiculous conversation we just had.

L: Hey dad, just calling to see whats going on?

D: Hey, I see it only took you three days to call me back.

L: Sorry, I’ve been pretty busy the last few days.

D: It takes two minutes to call and check in.  What are you to important to give us a call?  Look at me Mr.  computer guy.  I’m too cool to call my family so they know I’m not laying in a ditch somewhere dead!

L: We haven’t spoke in 4 days and that’s the first thing that comes to your mind?  Apparently if more than a few days go by without hearing from me you assume I’m fucking dead?  You do realize I’m not retarded right?  I usually make it a few months between near death encounters.

D: So why didn’t you call back?

L: I was busy, plus you left one of your signature voice mails and it pissed me off.

D: So what are you saying?

L: New rule from here on out if you leave one of those dumb ass voice mails, I’m not calling you back.  BAM! Deal with that!

D: You do see how counter-productive that is right?

L: Your counter-productive.

D: How old are you?  Why do you insist on acting like a dumb ass all the time, do you do this on purpose to irritate me?

L: Hey! You can’t talk to me like that anymore, I’m an adult now!  I have pay stubs and I go to work, and I bitch about traffic.  I’m my own boss now sucka and if you leave me voice mails I’m not calling you back.

My dad is now audibly angry

D: Listen, your still my son and if you don’t stop acting like an ass, I will come down there and kick your ass.  If your an adult then act like one and return someone’ phone call.  Your sister is 3 years younger and is twice as mature as you.

L: I swear to god, as soon as your old enough I’m putting you in a home.  I will sell all your shit and then take that money and fill your fucking house with American Girl dolls.

D: That’s not even funny, you shouldn’t joke about that, you dickhead.  I don’t understand how I can be related to you sometimes.

L: That’s no joke, I hope you like green jello.  Also I’m gonna have a son, and name him after you.  Then I’m gonna beat the shit out of him daily, and  when I’m not delivering a beating I’ll keep him locked in his room and make him listen to opera.  You know that’s gonna fuck him up for life, and then you’ll have a retarded grandson to carry on the family name.

D: Listen asshole, now your over the line, and you’ve made me loose my cool.  You don’t talk to me like that, I don’t care how old you are.  THAT IS FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL, YOU HEAR ME?

L: Dad listen………..dad listen……………dad listen……..why are you like this?