As I sit here watching Jefferson from Married with Children mash some random girl around a dance floor while Tom Bergeron giggles in the corner, it hits me.  Fall is here.  The changing of the leaves signifies that so many wonderful things are just around the corner.  I can honestly say that this is my favorite time of year, and if you don't love the fall then you are a Communist.  A damn commie that loves drunken bears on unicycles and worships false idols carved from old beets that sort of resemble Stalin.  I know that statement sounds very polarizing, but its the truth.  So many great things happen in the fall that if you don't love it more than a new born baby you're a commie.  Ok enough said, time to get back to the sensational orgy that is fall.  

The first thing people notice along with the changing colors of the foliage is the change in temperature.  Depending on where you live this can be a very welcome change.  Here in Maryland its hot as shit all summer, so the fall marks the end of feeling like your inside of a sweaty butthole.  Its time to turn off the AC, which is an added bonus because that means its time for BG&E to stop boning you like that drunken clown at your 9th birthday party.  It also means you won't have to worry about swass (sweat ass) for two more seasons.  I look forward to this time of year with the same anxiety as someone waiting for the results of their AIDS test after a long drunken summer in Cabo.  Mmmmm Herpes please.  AC bills aside, the brisk weather also brings about another one of my favorite changes of the year.  People wear more clothes!!  I know what your thinking, but Lerm, don't you enjoy scantily clad Co-Ed carwashes?  Yes I do sir, just as much as the next virile red-blooded American,  but sadly that type of hotness is far and few between.  For all those hot ho mas (we call our bitches ho mas, UCB!) you see strutting their stuff, you get eye fucked by ten times as many muffin tops, and old bloated shirtless hairy dudes.  Fat chicks aren't as ugly in snow suits, that's all I'm saying.

Can you guess the next best part about fall?  All the horrible time filler shows from the summer end, and the badassery that is the fall lineup begins.  Right now millions of college guys are hanging out with a bunch of girls partaking in wine night and pretending to give a shit about Grey's Anatomy.  Oh yes, you fuckers know what I'm talking about. But they are on to you, at least for now, keep that Boone's Farm flowing and who knows?  Mmmmmmm Herpes please.  All the shows we know and love are back, like the Office.  I don't really have a funny observation about that, it's just a great show, nuff said.  If you don't like it kill yourself.

I have saved the best for last.  The holidays.  Oh yeah, that mouth-food-face-fuck-fest that is the celebration of Thanksgiving.  The giving of old crappy candy to your shitty neighbor's kids, and the fat man coming down your chimney to molest your dog and leave you precious gifts.  While Xmas isn't technically part of the fall season, Hallmark starts working the shit out of it the day after Halloween so for all intensive purposes I'm including it.  If you don't agree, see the section about Communism above.  Thanks to the retail industry all of these holidays have been melded into one, and I believe it's to commemorate the day Jesus defeated the Great White Rabbit or some shit like that.  Well that's my take on fall, so put your pants back on and go enjoy it.  

Last update: 22-09-2008 22:24