BigLerm.com

I was driving around with my cousin John Rambo the other day, and he started telling me a story about something I did.  The strange part was he was using this really wierd voice when he was pretending to be me, and this is apparently what I sound like…What Lerm Sounds Like to John Rambo

So apparently I sound like a hilarious Swedish guy and I flail my arms about.

If you talk to his kids they think I sound like this big fool So yeah, I apparently sound like a giant tard, this makes me wonder how other people do impressions of me.

Some of the things churches and religions get people to believe are hilarious to me.  An example of this would be dinosaurs, I know people who think dinosaurs are not real because church said so.  I would love to be able to make rules and or laws  which people would follow blindly. A brainstorming session for my religion would go something like this: “OK, so dinosaurs arent real. Uhhhh, you have to eat cake with every meal, and hmmmm….. anytime you see a midget you must give him/her a noogie because they are god’s good luck charms.  BAM! DONE! CHURCH MADE!”

I was driving home this evening from Parkville and I heard at least 10 of those “Click-It-Or-Ticket” ads.  Seriously, do we still need these? I thought these ads had gone the way of the light-up no smoking sign on planes, and not knowing smoking is bad for your health.  Its 2009 we all know you can’t smoke on planes, cigarettes kill the shit out of you, and that if you don’t wear a seat belt whilst in a vehicle you are pretty much asking for it.

That being said its time to put an end to the “Buckle up, its the law” ads.  If you are either too lazy or too stupid to take 2 second to buckle up when you get in a car then we don’t need you.  It’s simple Darwinism, I’m willing to bet if you are too dumb to put your seat belt on, then you probably aren’t making any great contributions to society (and yes, playing Keno at the liquor store does not count).  Your dumb ass being removed from the gene pool would not be a bad thing.  This has been part one of my rants on things that are too safe.  Next up playgrounds and the new safer school buses.

I am so fickle.  I used to hate twitter and made fun of people who used it.  Now I love it, its the best.  Follow my adventures @lermtron5000.  Look me up.

I found this log the other day when I was going through my Blackberry.  I was keeping tabs of the events on my bus ride to MI for Thanksgiving.

5PM- Baltimore greyhound has the slowest counter ever.  Lady yells at me because I won’t let her cut in line, even though we are on the same bus.  I feel bad for stupid people… Location: Baltimore, MD

11PM- Bus driver pulls over to yell at the dumb lady from earlier for laughing way too loud while people are trying to sleep.  I wonder what it would feel like to be be yelled at by a bus driver as an adult.  I hope this lady gets her head cut off.  Location: Western Maryland

1AM- Arrive for “meal stop”.  There is like six inches of snow on the ground.  Starts to dawn on me that forgetting coat on trip to MI was a bad idea.  Dude behind me peers between seats in attempt to see what I am furiously typing into my Blackberry.  Everyone gets off the bus to smoke except me.  Location: Somerset, PA

1:20AM-Bus now smells like Cheetos and cigarettes.  Awesome.  Next stop Pitt.  Location: Somerset, PA

2:30AM- Six people get on the bus and wander aimlessly for a few moments before realizing this is not their bus.  Only one other bus here so there is a pretty good chance you’ll get back on the right one.  Darwin would be sad.  Location: Pittsburgh, PA

6AM- Bus driver eating cup o’ noodles very loudly, probably not the best meal option for someone trying to drive.  I consider saying something but the fate of being thrown off the bus in the middle of Ohio scares the shit out of me.  I bite my tongue, fuck you Suckhio.  Location: Somewhere in god awful Ohio

7AM-12PM:  I sleep for the rest of the trip.  When I am not sleeping I pretend to be asleep in order to avoid conversation with any of the strange halfbreed retard fucks that get on the bus in Ohio.  Location: Sadly still Ohio

12:30PM- Arrive in Detroit.  Relieved that no passangers were eaten or raped in the face while driving through Suckhio.

What do you feed a cactus?

-JP

My old debate coach had a wooden leg…she used to drive the cheesebus funny.  Haven’t you guys heard of the cheesebus?  Its the school bus but its yellow.

-JP

No one said gang bangers didn’t have a heart.

-John Rambo

This is a conversation I had recently with my father, concerning the fact that I hadn’t returned his calls.  I should preface by saying that I hate checking my voice mail.  My BlackBerry sends me like 13 messages telling me that I have a voice mail, which does nothing but piss me off to no end.  I understand if you have something important to tell me, then by all means, leave a message.

This however is never the case with my dad.  He leaves me the exact same message every time, “Hi Lerm, its your dad.  Its Monday about 530, just calling to say hi.”  These are all facts I can gather simply by looking at my missed call log.  This is something that I have shared with him several times, I think now he just does it to piss me off.  Anyway here is the recap of the ridiculous conversation we just had.

L: Hey dad, just calling to see whats going on?

D: Hey, I see it only took you three days to call me back.

L: Sorry, I’ve been pretty busy the last few days.

D: It takes two minutes to call and check in.  What are you to important to give us a call?  Look at me Mr.  computer guy.  I’m too cool to call my family so they know I’m not laying in a ditch somewhere dead!

L: We haven’t spoke in 4 days and that’s the first thing that comes to your mind?  Apparently if more than a few days go by without hearing from me you assume I’m fucking dead?  You do realize I’m not retarded right?  I usually make it a few months between near death encounters.

D: So why didn’t you call back?

L: I was busy, plus you left one of your signature voice mails and it pissed me off.

D: So what are you saying?

L: New rule from here on out if you leave one of those dumb ass voice mails, I’m not calling you back.  BAM! Deal with that!

D: You do see how counter-productive that is right?

L: Your counter-productive.

D: How old are you?  Why do you insist on acting like a dumb ass all the time, do you do this on purpose to irritate me?

L: Hey! You can’t talk to me like that anymore, I’m an adult now!  I have pay stubs and I go to work, and I bitch about traffic.  I’m my own boss now sucka and if you leave me voice mails I’m not calling you back.

My dad is now audibly angry

D: Listen, your still my son and if you don’t stop acting like an ass, I will come down there and kick your ass.  If your an adult then act like one and return someone’ phone call.  Your sister is 3 years younger and is twice as mature as you.

L: I swear to god, as soon as your old enough I’m putting you in a home.  I will sell all your shit and then take that money and fill your fucking house with American Girl dolls.

D: That’s not even funny, you shouldn’t joke about that, you dickhead.  I don’t understand how I can be related to you sometimes.

L: That’s no joke, I hope you like green jello.  Also I’m gonna have a son, and name him after you.  Then I’m gonna beat the shit out of him daily, and  when I’m not delivering a beating I’ll keep him locked in his room and make him listen to opera.  You know that’s gonna fuck him up for life, and then you’ll have a retarded grandson to carry on the family name.

D: Listen asshole, now your over the line, and you’ve made me loose my cool.  You don’t talk to me like that, I don’t care how old you are.  THAT IS FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL, YOU HEAR ME?

L: Dad listen………..dad listen……………dad listen……..why are you like this?

Let me start this blog off by giving you a little background information on my buddy Bryan Hodges, or as everyone calls him “Hodges” or “Hot Jizz” or “Hoooodges” and sometimes even “The Flying Dutchman”.  If you’ve ever seen Hodges make love, you’d understand that last one.  That ceiling fan will never be the same.  Physically Hodges is an impressive specimen, 6′9″ (I think) with brown hair, cold steely eyes, and arms so long he can hug himself twice.  His warm and possibly sweetly-retarded personality makes him and instant hit with the ladies.  Hodges’ one of a kind lifestlye is fueled by four square meals a day, consisting of boiling hot red cabage, gross stinky sausages, and red drink.  This diet gives him the power to do the one thing Hodges was put on this earth to do.  TO CATCH FREE STUFF.  Armed with his squirrely personality and organatang-like arms, Hodges is the master of scoring free swag.  Allow me to regale you with a few short stories about Hodges mad snatchery skills.

A while back Hodges and myself along with the rest of our paintball team were playing in the International Amateur Open.  We got the shit kicked out of us, the Ball Hogz went 1-7, and that one win was do to the fact that the other team didn’t show up.  The only thing we hogged at that tournament was balls with our faces.  Anyway, after getting thoroughly crushed we decided to try and raise morale by watching some X-Ball.  The X-Ball stands were packed because Team USA was taking on Russia.  It was hard to find a seat.  During halftime some of the reps from Redz came over and starting flinging hats into the crowd.  Hodges knew it was time to do work, and that’s exactly what he did.  He was snatching up free flying hats left and right, punching babies, and headbutting cancer patients just to get to the free head wear.  After about five minutes of this Hodges had acquired roughly forty hats, and needless to say the crew from Redz was not too happy.  They kindly asked him to stop going for the hats.  They explained that he couldn’t possibly need forty plus hats, but this didn’t phase Hodges in the least.  People sitting around us actually got up and moved, in an attempt to be able to catch a hat.  Hodges was in the zone and our whole section had become a hat snatching black hole………..to be continued……